Relationship Spontaneity is a Must!

My hubby and I have been together for 17 years, married 12 of those.  We both work from home, we have two amazing kids, are still very much in love and have always had a very good sex life.  My question to you is how to keep the spontaneity alive?  We don’t like scheduling sex but with 2 active boys sometimes the only time to be together is at night after the kids are asleep.  That gets boring.  How can I spice things up, surprise him sexually, keep things fun and spunky in the bedroom even with our crazy (and totally rewarding) life as parents…?

Carmel Valley San Diego Community | Relationships Spontaneity A Must | Gillian WalkerFirst of all, congratulations on your happy marriage and healthy sex life!  This is one of the most frequently asked questions I receive so you are not alone in looking for ways to spice things up.

Gino and I have weeks where scheduling sex is the only way to fit it in to our crazy, busy schedule.  And we don’t even have kids!  Like you, I don’t feel very sexy when we’re scrolling through our planners to set that time aside.

Here are some ideas that might work for you:

  1. Just because it’s scheduled, doesn’t mean it can’t be sexy.  See if you can schedule a date night at least twice a month.  Get the kids out of the house, get some lingerie that makes you feel sexy, and go somewhere romantic or cook a romantic dinner together at home.  Clean the house beforehand- no unsexy toys laying about.  Light candles in every room, turn on mood music. Schedule the sitter late enough that you can have a few hours together alone at home and make that magic happen!
  2. Build the suspense.  Part of what turned you on and put the sex in sexy when you were dating was the air of suspense.  How do you build suspense with the person who sleeps next to you every night and wakes you up farting every morning? (Or is that just my lucky marital experience?)  Send sexy texts to him.  This is apparently so popular, that there is an actual word for this, “sexting.”  If you have a date scheduled, or if you just want to get him going, send him a sexy picture of you with a hot message.  Trust me.  This works every time.
  3. Try new things.  If you’re like most long term couples, you may have fallen into pretty much the same routine every time in the bedroom.  Sometimes you have to do something different to break out of that old hum-drum sex.  It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, it just needs to be different.  Different positions, different foreplay, different locations around the house.  Get creative and surprise one another.

Reading this over, I realize I’m not offering anything that hasn’t been said before.  The truth is, when you are living with someone through the daily grind of the mundane and monotonous, it’s just going to take a little creative effort to spice things up.

Think of it like a meatloaf.  You already have the foundation of a good and healthy sex life.  Some nights can be meatloaf with a side of ketchup and other nights can be rosemary and sage meatloaf served with a side of rustic potatoes.  Adding a few different spices to the tried and true can feel like an entirely new creation.

So get creative, try something new and most of all, have fun!  Shine on.  If you have a question for Gillian you can email her at
Carmel Valley San Diego Community | Gillian Sky WalkerGillian Sky Walker believes in you!  Her belief that her life’s calling is to be an inspiration and source of encouragement to as many people as possibe led her to create, where she offers personal growth and wellness videos as Shiny Gilly.  Gillian has over 15 years of counseling, teaching and speaking experience.  She is the founder of Therapeutic Trance Training and leads several trainings a year, certifying others in this method.  Her authentic and dynamic delivery makes wellness accessible and fun for everyone.  Her certifications include Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP Practitioner, Registered Yoga Teacher and Reiki Master.  Gillian spends most of her time speaking, teaching and filming.  She and her husband run Shiny Gilly Productions, filming web content for local business owners out of their home studio.  They also co-host a youtube show together where they discuss current events, interview local business owners, and answer relationship questions.  They are finishing up a book on dating advice that will be released later this year


Carmel Valley San Diego Community | RIDE Cyclery Encinitas

You must be logged in to post a comment Login